Kindness is a language
which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.

-- Mark Twain

 

Casablanket

This parody of the famous movie, starring former pastors Roger and Sandy Daly, was staged on Saturday night, March 16, 2002, at King Street Church's annual talent show and benefit auction. (Click to see the 2005 version of this perennial event.) Like other acts presented that night, the six scenes of Casablanket were interspersed among sieges of bidding for houshold goods, movie tickets, timeshare trips, and other donated goodies. The whole production of Casablanket -- conception, script-writing, casting, sets, lighting, sound, costumes, rehearsals -- was put together in six days. (On the seventh, we rested.)

The morning before our one and only performance, scriptwriter and cast member Terry Dunkle woke up with a powerful headache, fever, and cough -- he'd come down with the flu. Nevertheless, the show had to go on. Dunkle primed himself with aspirin, Robitussin, and antihistamines.

Meanwhile, because rehearsal time was limited, the actors never learned their lines. In a panic just an hour before curtain time, they finally decided to make a virtue of necessity: to openly read from their scripts, dramatically tearing off and tossing the pages as they finished them. This made the play even funnier, with sheets of paper flying everywhere and eventually carpeting the floor.

A videotape of the production is available from Dunkle. What follows is the master copy of the script, complete with production notes.

Cast
(In Order of Appearance)

Narrator and prop man:

Marv Knisley (as himself)

Ilsa Lund, the beautiful woman from Rick's past:

Sandy Daly (AKA Ingrid Bergman)

Sam, the piano player:

Terry Dunkle (AKA Dooley Wilson)

Rick Blaine, the café owner:

Roger Daly (AKA Humphrey Bogart)

Pre-Show Checklist

  1. An electric piano, borrowed from Terry Dunkle's living room, is situated at stage right, plugged in, turned on, set to volume 7, and transposed to the key we decided on.

  2. “As Time Goes By” music is on piano stand.

  3. A floodlight, borrowed from Terry's garage, is plugged into the wall, sitting between piano and wall. Before each scene, it will be moved into position at stage front, to function as a footlight.

  4. A piano light is plugged into the wall.

  5. A power strip is plugged into the wall.

  6. A 1930s electric fan is sitting on the piano, plugged into the power strip.

  7. A modern-day fan, very powerful, is sitting under the piano, plugged into the power strip.

  8. An electric miner's headlight, to be worn by Terry in Scene VI, is on top of the piano.

  9. Roger’s dinner jacket, made by badly spray-painting a used sportcoat with white enamel, is in the closet at stage right.

  10. Terry’s dinner jacket, similarly made and two sizes too small, is on the shelf under the bar at stage right.

  11. Sandy’s Hat No. 1, decorated with large flowers, is in the exitway at stage left.

  12. Sandy’s whisky glass is in the exitway.

  13. Sandy’s whisky bottle is in the exitway.

  14. A checkered tablecloth is in the exitway.

  15. Marv’s tiny flashlight is in his pocket.

  16. A bullhorn is on the counter in the kitchen, behind the audience.

  17. A kazoo is in Sandy’s pocket.

  18. Terry’s reading glasses are on.

  19. Terry’s old-fashioned electric alarm clock, bought for $2 at the Salvation Army store, is on the shelf under the bar.

  20. A tray of drinks (including Roger’s huge drinking glass, bottles of whisky and wine, a can of Drano, and other ridiculous impotables) is on the shelf under the bar.

  21. Terry’s bow tie is tied and on the shelf under the bar.

  22. Roger’s bow tie is tied and in the closet.

  23. A bar stool is behind the bar.

  24. A car's steering wheel is behind the bar.

  25. Sandy’s incredibly long and lightweight silk scarf is in the exitway.

  26. Two water-filled martini glasses are on the shelf under the bar.

  27. Sandy’s beret is in the exitway.

  28. Roger’s beret is in the closet.

  29. Terry’s tiny flashlight is in his pocket.

  30. Terry’s overcoat is in the closet.

  31. Terry’s umbrella is in the closet.

  32. Roger’s raincoat is in the closet.

  33. A watering can full of water is sitting in the exitway.

  34. A farewell letter is in Terry’s left overcoat pocket.

  35. A train whistle is in Sandy’s pocket.

  36. Sandy’s Hat No. 2, made of a giant lampshade decorated with huge red butterflies, is in the exitway.

  37. Sandy’s gun is in her pocket, loaded with fresh caps.

  38. Roger’s cigarettes and matches are on the firemen's trophy shelf next to the piano, at stage right.

  39. A small lamp is on the piano, plugged directly into the wall, with a correct-wattage bulb in it.

  40. Two envelopes containing tickets are in the breast-pocket of Roger’s dinner jacket.

  41. Sandy’s plastic fedora is in the exitway.

  42. Roger’s plastic fedora is in the exitway.

  43. A suitcase is in the exitway.

  44. Two window fans are in the (open) windows at stage left and plugged into a Variac transformer borrowed from Parker Moreland, which allows stagehand Marv Knisley to vary the fans' speed by turning a dial. Both fans are turned on to their High settings.

  45. The Variac is sitting beside the footlight and plugged in, with its dial set to zero.

  46. A crudely lettered, cardboard sign saying “This scene was supposed to be foggy, but Dunkle was too cheap to rent the machine” is folded and sitting on the floor next to the Variac.

  47. Sandy’s overcoat is in the exitway.

  48. Sandy’s script is in hand.

  49. Terry’s script is in hand.

  50. Roger’s script is in hand.

  51. Marv’s script is in hand.

  52. A jar of brandied pears that Ruth Tibbets donated for tonight's benefit auction has been prominently mentioned by the auctioneer.

  53. A set of movie tickets that Loew's donated has also been prominently mentioned.

Scene I:  Rick and Ilsa Meet

In the Dark:

  • Sandy puts checkered tablecloth, whisky bottle, drinking glass, and her script on the table; dons Hat No. 1; and sits down at the table.

  • Terry takes his bow tie from the shelf under the bar and puts it on; takes his dinner jacket from the same shelf and puts it on; makes sure the piano is turned on and transposed; puts his script on the treble end of the piano; and moves off-stage at left.

  • Roger goes into the closet; puts on his bow tie and dinner jacket; and stands with his script in hand, listening carefully for his entrance (“A guy is just a guy...”).

  • Marv shifts the footlight to the front of the stage and points it at the table; stands at the footlight with his tiny flashlight and script in hand.

Marv (narrating in the dark)

(Very dramatically, like Edward R. Murrow) With the coming of the second World War, many eyes in imprisoned Europe turned hopefully, or desperately, toward the freedom of the Americas. Lisbon became the great embarkation point. But not everyone could get to Lisbon directly; and so a tortuous, roundabout refugee trail sprang up. Paris to Marseilles, across the Mediterranean, and finally to Casablanket, in French Morocco. And here it is, one evening, that a beautiful woman arrives with her husband -- never dreaming that in Casablanket she will once again meet the man she really loves

Marv turns up the footlight, revealing Ilsa (Sandy) sitting at the table, wearing Hat No. 1. She is nursing a drink. 

Sam (Terry) comes in from stage left, wearing a white dinner jacket two sizes too small for him. 

Ilsa

Hello, Sam. 

Sam

(Surprised) Hello, Miss Ilsa. I never expected to see you again. Or that hat.

He sits down, turns the piano light on, and is ready to play.

Ilsa

It’s been a long time.

Sam

Yes, ma’am. A lot of water under the bridge.

Ilsa

Some of the old songs, Sam.

Sam

Yes, ma’am.

Sam begins to play “Chopsticks,” very badly. He is nervous, waiting for anything.

Ilsa

Where is Rick?

Sam

(Evading) I don’t know. I ain’t seen him all night.

Ilsa

You used to be a much better liar, Sam. And a lot better piano player, too.

Sam

Your hearing must be going, Miss Ilsa. Now listen, you leave Rick alone. You’re bad luck to him.

Ilsa

(Softly) Play it once, Sam. For old time’s sake.

Sam

I don’t know what you mean, Miss Ilsa.

Ilsa

Play it, Sam. Play, “As Time Goes By.”

Sam

I can’t remember it, Miss Ilsa. I’m a little rusty on it. I’m not even sure I can get the words right.

Ilsa

I’ll hum it for you. (She produces a kazoo and hums the first three lines.) Sing it, Sam.

Sam

(Singing)

“You must remember that

“An elephant is fat,

“A guy is just a guy….

While Sam is singing, the closet door suddenly opens. Rick (Roger), proprietor of the café, comes swinging out, wearing a white dinner jacket that is actually a suitcoat spray-painted white. He has heard the music, and he is livid. He walks briskly up to the piano.

Sam

(Still singing)

 “…The epidural things apply…

Rick

Sam, I thought I told you never to play --

Sam

(Still singing)

 “As time goes by….”

As Rick sees Ilsa, he stops abruptly. Sam stops playing. For a long, awkward moment, Rick and Ilsa stare at each other.

Rick

Hello, Ilsa. (Embarrassed) Nice hat.

Ilsa

Hello, Rick. (Equally embarrassed) Nice jacket.

Terry turns off the piano light as Marv fades the footlight to black.

Scene II: Rick Gets Drunk

In the Dark:

Sandy picks up her script from the table and moves into the exitway, where she stays for the whole scene. She turns her script to Scene 3.

Terry gets the alarm clock off the shelf under the bar and fastens it to his left wrist; picks up his script from the treble end of the piano; and sits down on the piano bench, facing the bar, with the script on his knee.

Roger puts his script on the bar; lifts the tray of drinks off the shelf and onto the bar; takes his huge drinking glass off the tray and positions it on the bar; loosens his bow tie; sits down on the bar stool; and adopts a drunken pose.

Marv points the footlight toward the bar and stands at the footlight with flashlight and script in hand.

Marv (narrating in the dark)

Hours later, in the bar at Rick’s Café; a long time after closing.

Marv fades the footlight in, revealing Rick sitting behind the bar, drinking from a gigantic glass. A lot of bottles sit on the bar, including Lysol, WD-40, and Mop ‘n’ Glo. Sam is sitting on the piano bench, facing Rick. He has an old-fashioned alarm clock fastened to his left wrist.

Sam

Boss.

No answer, as Rick drinks.

Boss!

Rick

(Drunkenly) Yeah?

Sam

Boss, ain’t you going to church?

Rick

(Filling his glass by dumping contents of several bottles into it) Not right now. (Looks around for something more to put into the glass) What happened to those…brandied pears we used to have? We’ve had ’em for twenty years; why can’t I find ’em?

Sam realizes Rick is in a grim mood.

Sam

(Lightly, trying to kid Rick out of it.) Ain’t you planning on going to church in the near future?

Rick

No.

Sam

You ever going to church?

Rick

No.

Sam

(Still trying) Well, I ain’t goin’, either.

Rick

Good. (Gestures with a bottle.) Then have a drink.

Sam

No. Not me, boss.

Rick

(Putting the bottle down, clumsily.) Then don’t have a drink.

Sam

(Adopting a serious tone) Boss, let’s get out of here.

Rick

(Emphatically) No, sir. I’m waiting for a lady.

Sam

(Earnestly) Please, boss, let’s go. Ain’t nothing but trouble for you here in Casablanket.

Rick

She’s coming back. I know she’s coming back.

Sam

We’ll take the car and drive all night. We’ll get drunk. We’ll go…quilting, and stay away until she’s gone.

Rick

Shut up and go home, will you?

Sam

(Stubbornly) No, sir. I’m staying right here.

Sam turns around to the piano, placing his script at the treble end, and starts softly picking out “Heart and Soul,” making a lot of mistakes.

Rick

(Really drunk now.) They grab Ugarte, and she walks in. Well, that’s the way it goes. One in…one out. (Pauses as he thinks of something.) Sam?

Sam

(Still playing “Heart and Soul”) Yeah, boss?

Rick

Sam, if it’s December 1941 in Casablanket, what time is it in Danbury?

Sam

(Looking at the alarm clock on his left wrist.) Uh, my watch stopped.

(Sam begins playing the Knuckle Jig.)

Rick

(Drunken nostalgia) I bet they’re asleep in Danbury. I’ll bet they’re asleep all over Connecticut. (Pounds the table suddenly) Of all the auction joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine! (Irritably, to Sam) What’s that you’re playing?

Sam

Just a little something of my own.

Rick

Well, stop it. You know what I want to hear.

Sam

No, I don’t.

Rick

You played it badly for her, and you can play badly it for me.

Sam

Well, I don’t think I can remember it.

Rick

If she can stand it, I can. Play it!

Sam

Yes, boss. (Sam starts to play “As Time Goes By,” and sings.)

“And when two lovers woo,

“Before she says, ‘I do,’

From Rick’s expression, we know he is thinking of the past. Marv fades the footlight to black as Sam continues singing.

Sam (still playing)

 “You’ve got to drink a quart of gin,

“As time goes by….”

Scene III: Paris
 

In the Dark:

Sandy puts on her scarf and beret. Then, with her script in hand, she carries two chairs to the area beside the table; positions the chairs facing partly into the electric fans and partly into the audience; sits down in the stage-left chair; and positions her script on her knee.

Terry picks up his script from the treble end of the piano; takes the alarm clock off his wrist and puts it back on the shelf under the bar; switches the power strip on (to activate the fans); goes out into the kitchen and gets the bullhorn; switches it on; takes his tiny flashlight out of his pocket, and positions himself just behind the audience with flashlight, script, and bullhorn in hand.

Roger goes to the closet, where he puts on his raincoat and beret; then he takes his script from the top of the bar and the filled martini glasses from under the bar and sets both the glasses and his script on the table; takes the steering wheel from behind the bar; sits down in the stage-right chair; puts his script on his knee; and holds the steering wheel in driving position.

Marv points the footlight toward the chairs and stands at the footlight with flashlight and script in hand.

Marv (narrating in the dark)

Flashback to Paris, one year earlier.

As Marv fades the footlight in, Rick and Ilsa are sitting side-by-side in the chairs, smiling gaily. Rick is holding a steering wheel, turning it occasionally as though driving a car. The electric fans are blowing Ilsa’s hair and scarf. Two martini glasses, full of water, are sitting on the table.

Rick

(Euphoric) Who are you really? And what were you before? What did you do, and what did you think? And what’s the capital of South Dakota? Huh?

Ilsa

(Gently chiding) We said, “No questions.”

Rick

Here’s looking at you, kid.

They attempt to clink glasses, but miss, splashing their drinks all over. Then they drink.

Terry

(Offstage in the kitchen, shouting with the bullhorn) Achtung! Sie müssen im wienerschnitzel hassenpfeffer Stuttgart sauerbraten volkswagen fahrvergnugen sieg heil!

Rick and Ilsa look at each other.

Rick

My German’s a little rusty.

Ilsa

(Sadly.) It’s the Gestapo. They say they’ll be in Paris tomorrow. (Smiling faintly) With the whole world crumbling, we pick this time to fall in love.

Rick

Strange, I know so very little about you. (Jokingly) Just the fact that you had your breasts implanted.

Marv stomps on the floor twice.

Ilsa

Was that cannon fire, or is it my liver pounding? But seriously, Rick -- you are in danger, and you must leave Paris.

Rick

The train for Marseilles leaves at five o’clock. I’ll meet you at the station, huh?

Ilsa

Yes.

Rick

(Jovially) Say, why don’t we get married in Marseilles?

Ilsa

Oh, Darling! (She starts to cry softly.)

Rick

Hey, hey, what’s wrong, kid?

Ilsa

Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time!

He kisses her as though it were the last time, and both fall out of their chairs. Marv switches the footlight suddenly to black.

Scene IV: Train Station

In the Dark:

Sandy picks up her script from the floor and goes out behind the footlight; receives the bullhorn from Terry; and makes sure the bullhorn is turned on.

Terry goes to the footlight and gives the bullhorn to Sandy; then goes to the closet; exchanges his dinner jacket for his overcoat; takes out his umbrella and opens it; and stands at the closet door with the umbrella in his right hand and script in his left hand, facing stage-left.

Roger switches off the power strip to kill the fans; picks up his script from the floor; puts the two empty martini glasses and the steering wheel back under the bar; then goes to the train station at stage-right, where he stands looking stage-left.

Marv points the footlight toward the train station at stage-right; goes to the exitway; gets a chair; sets it up to Roger’s right; gets the sprinkling can; climbs onto the chair; and begins pouring the water over Roger as he (Marv) narrates from memory:

Marv (narrating in the dark)

Five o’clock that same day, at the Paris train station. 

Sandy fades the footlight in to reveal Rick waiting at the station. Rain is pouring over his head and shoulders, but Rick seems not to notice. He checks his watch, then looks stage right. He recognizes someone coming. An instant later, Sam walks rapidly in from stage left, under his umbrella.

Rick

Where is she? Have you seen her? (And how come you have the umbrella?)

Sam hands the umbrella to Rick and transfers his script to his right hand. Rick holds the umbrella fairly high over his head. Marv moves the sprinkling can under the umbrella and continues dousing him. Rick doesn’t seem to notice.

Sam

No, Mr. Richard. I can’t find her. She checked out of the hotel. But this letter came just after you left.

Sam pulls an envelope from his left pocket. Rick grabs it, opens it, and stares down at the letter. Marv, still holding the watering can, sprinkles the letter as Rick silently reads.

Ilsa

(In the dark behind the footlight, using the bullhorn, in a breathy, resigned voice) “Richard: I cannot go with you or ever see you again. You must not ask why. Just believe that I love you. Go, my darling, and God bless you.  -- Ilsa.”

Still behind the footlight, Sandy pulls the train whistle from her pocket and blows it. Marv says:“All Aboard!" in English, and then adds, "In French!” 

Sam

(Grabbing Rick by the left coat sleeve with his left hand) That’s the last call, Mr. Richard, do you hear me? (Pulling Rick stage-right) Come on, Mr. Richard. Let’s get out of here. (As the footlight begins fading) Come on, Mr. Richard, come on!

Sandy fades the footlight to black. 

Scene V: Rick’s Bedroom

(This scene works best if the movie tickets that are being auctioned have already been prominently mentioned. Chris Marano said she’ll see that this happens.) 

In the Dark:

Sandy takes her script and the bullhorn with her to the exitway; puts down the bullhorn (no longer needed); dons Hat No. 2; makes sure she has her gun in her pocket; then moves to the area just to the right of the table, where she stands facing stage-left, holding her script.

Terry puts his umbrella, overcoat, and script (no longer needed) into the closet; then goes off-stage to the left, where he stays until his piano work during the last scene.

Roger goes to the closet; puts away his raincoat; makes sure he has the two ticket envelopes in his pocket; and stands at stage-left, ready to walk on.

Marv puts the sprinkling can away and stands in the exitway with flashlight and script in hand. (The footlight is not used in this scene.)

Marv (narrating in the dark)

Back in the present, in Rick’s bedroom in Casablanket.

In the dark, Rick enters the room and, turning to face stage-right, switches on a small lamp on the piano. The lamplight reveals a figure in the room behind him, at stage-left. It is Ilsa, facing Rick, her face white but determined. She is wearing an even bigger and more ridiculous hat than before. It is made from a lampshade decorated with huge red butterflies. Hanging around the brim are silk prize ribbons of the sort given as rewards for toddlers -- they say, "I Know My ABCs!", "I Went Potty All by Myself!", and such. Rick, insouciantly turning around, suddenly sees her. He pauses for a moment in astonishment.

Rick

How did you get in? And where’d you get that hat?

Ilsa

(Gesturing behind her) The stairs from the street. (Gesturing slightly toward the hat) Lord & Taylor. Richard, I had to see you.

Rick

(Derisively) You use “Richard” again? We’re back in Paris.

Ilsa

Please.

Rick

Your unexpected visit isn’t connected by any chance with the movie tickets? It seems as long as I have those tickets I’ll never be lonely.

Ilsa

(Looks at him directly) You can ask any price you want, but you must give me those tickets.

Rick

I went all through that with your (dripping with sarcasm) husband. It’s no deal.

Ilsa

Richard, Richard, we loved each other once. If those days meant anything at all to you….

Rick

(Harshly) I wouldn’t bring up Paris if I were you. It’s poor salesmanship. (He turns and lights a cigarette, exhales smoke, then turns back to Ilsa.) Now, if you --

Ilsa

(Wielding a gun) All right. I tried to reason with you. I tried everything. Now I want those tickets.

For a moment, a look of admiration comes into Rick’s eyes.

Rick

That’s not a real gun. You can’t fool me.

Ilsa

Try me.

Rick steps forward. Ilsa fires the gun in the air. Rick gives a start.

Ilsa again

Get the tickets for me.

Rick

I don’t have to. I’ve got ’em right here. (Patting his breast pocket)

Ilsa

Put them on the table.

Rick

(Shaking his head) No. You didn’t bid enough for them!

Ilsa

For the last time, I’ll raise the bid…ten dollars!

Rick

That’s different. (Taking one of the envelopes out of his breast pocket and putting it on the table) I don’t mind a parasite. I object to a cut-rate one.

Rick turns off the lamp.

Scene VI: Airport

In the Dark:

Sandy puts her gun back in her pocket; goes to the exitway; takes off Hat No. 2; puts on her plastic fedora; puts on her overcoat; picks up her suitcase; and positions herself in front of the “airplane” at stage-left, facing stage-right, with her suitcase sitting upstage from her right foot.

Terry takes his place at the piano; picks up his miner's headlamp from the top of the piano; and puts it on.

Roger goes to the closet; still holding his script; puts on his raincoat again; makes sure he still has one ticket envelope in his breast pocket; and moves to stage-left, facing Sandy.

Marv stands in front of the footlight and the Variac, with script and flashlight in hand; turns the footlight toward stage-left; and readies the “This scene was supposed to be foggy” sign for display.

Marv (narrating in the dark)

On the tarmac at the Casablanket airport.

Marv fades the footlight in, revealing Rick and Ilsa standing on the tarmac in overcoats and fedoras. Marv holds sign in front of the footlight reading, “This scene was supposed to be foggy, but Dunkle was too cheap to rent the machine.”

Rick

(Quietly as he hands Ilsa an envelope from his breast pocket) And the names on these tickets are Mr. and Mrs. Victor Laszlo.

Ilsa looks at Rick with astonishment.

Ilsa

But why my name, Richard?

Rick

Because you’re getting on that plane.

Ilsa

(Dazed) I don’t understand. What about you?

Rick

I’m staying here until the plane gets safely away.

Ilsa

(As Rick’s intention fully dawns on her) No, Richard, no. What has happened to you? Last night we said….

Rick

Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing. You’re getting on that plane with Victor, where you belong.

Ilsa

(Protesting) But Richard, no, I, I….

Rick

Now, you’ve got to listen to me. Do you have any idea what you’d have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we’d both wind up in a United Church of Christ parish.

Ilsa

You’re saying this only to make me go.

Rick

I’m saying it because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You’re part of his work -- the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it.

(Marv says, “Contact!” and a moment later switches the Variac onto Low speed.)

Ilsa

No.

Rick

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow -- but soon, and for the rest of your life. (Offhandedly) Or at least six or eight weeks -- maybe longer, I dunno.

Ilsa

But what about us?

Rick

We’ll always have Paris. We didn’t have it, we’d lost it, until you came to Casablanket. We got it back last night -- (a leering aside to the audience) -- although I’m not going to give all the details just now.

(Marv switches the Variac to Medium.)

Ilsa

And I said I would never leave you!

Rick

And you never will. But I’ve got a job to do, too. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. You see, I’m going to the men’s room. Oh, Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble. But it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of cucumbers in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that. Not now. (Short pause, then tenderly) Here’s looking at you, kid.

Ilsa

Goodbye, Rick. God bless you.

(Marv switches the Variac to High.)

Rick

You’d better hurry, or you’ll miss that plane.

Ilsa hurries into the exitway. In the background, Sam plays “As Time Goes By” as Marv fades the footlight to black.

The End 

 


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